Facemelter Deluxe 3000

What Happens If I Get Caught Masturbating?

2008-04-24T16:17:00.000-07:00

It happens, troops. In a variety of soul-rending ways, it happens. Mid-stroke, post-jizm, errant jag-rag discovered by mom, cable bill that sports a MILF Hunter pay-per-view charge, stray DVD, internet history on your computer, overheard slapping and grunting, through plain common sense that no one takes that long to shit, etc.

It happens.
And guess what? Unless you’re living in a fundamentalist Christian, self-loathing Catholic, wahhabist Islamic or orthodox household, it shouldn’t be that big a deal. The earth revolves around the sun on its axis. The closer you get to the equator the hotter it gets. You tip 20%. People jerk it and finger it until it comes. This is life.

Yeah, it’s awkward as holy hell to get caught in the act. Especially if you’re caught by your mom. But like any other painful life situation, all you can do is move on. It’s not really the fact that you were touching yourself but the visceral imagery involved. Your mother remembers wiping your ass, so to see you wiping a glob off your kneecap or digging your paws inside of your vagina is startling to say the least. So you need to help her out, and here’s how;

The first thing you need to do after you’ve been caught is BREATHE.

Don’t go rushing to explain. What could you possibly say? “My cock got caught in my hand while I was jack-hammering the air!” “I misplaced my car keys in my vagina!” Give your mom (or dad, sister, brother, grandmother, cleaning lady) some much needed time to process, and then purge, the image from their mind.

Second, when you do emerge from wherever it was you were handling yourself, LEAVE. Don’t come back until way later, when emotions are down and people are tired. This is a situation you can deal with, preferably, over email or the phone, with an agreement to move on.

Third, make a promise to yourself that you’ll be wary of your surroundings next time you decide to deposit your DNA into a wad of tissues or go rooting around inside your vagina for the root of all wordly pleasures. If someone did in fact interrupt you mid-flog/finger, you’re clearly not thinking straight because the door was unlocked. If there are no locks on your doors (i.e; your family is creepy), than what are you doing bringing yourself to the pleasure dome during high-traffic time?

Finally, laugh at yourself! Humility and good humor will serve you for the rest of your life and get you through situations that lesser humans fold up like beach chairs over. Big deal, you got caught fist-fucking yourself! Woo hooo! What’s next, someone’s gonna ‘catch you’ taking a dump?

Look peeps, the second we all start apologizing for squeezing out a little love lotion is the second humanity takes a big ol’ step back.

So you were caught jerking off…fuck it! There are worse things in the world to be caught doing, believe me.

Like fingering your asshole. Now THAT’S awkward.

High School Survival Tips

2008-04-24T16:15:00.000-07:00

alright. first post in a while. today, we're gonna get down to the nitty-gritty. yes, i'm talking about high school. i'm still trapped in here, but that doesn't mean that i can't help all of you. so, i'm gonna start posting excerpts from the high school survival guide. PEACE OUT!

Disposable Camera Taser

2008-04-05T14:10:00.000-07:00

Alright, I'm going to show everyone how to make a disposable taser. WARNING: IT CAN HURT YOU OR OTHERS, ESPECIALLY IF THE PERSON YOU TRY IT ON USES A PACEMAKER! DO NOT SCREW AROUND WITH THIS!
Alright, with that out of the way, on to the tutorial!

-First, you need to know how to solder. NOT SOLDIER, solder.
-you also need a soldering iron or soldering gun.
-grab a disposable camera, and it needs to be fresh. you can't use an old camera.
-get some wire strippers.
-grab a small screwdriver.

Alrighty, let's start making our taser!
1. tear off all of the cardboard on the outside of the camera.
2. open the camera. disposable cameras vary, so just look on the outside for some small rectangular slots.
3. after you get the top off, take out the mother board. there should be a clip in the center. here is a diagram to help:

http://staulkor.com/files/images/wiring.jpg

4. solder every thing like in the diagram. here is how it should look:
http://staulkor.com/files/images/complete_wiring.jpg
http://staulkor.com/files/images/switch_0.jpg

5. after you solder everything, cut the wires to the flash bulb.
6.put it all back into the case or make a case of your own! DO NOT LEAVE IT WITHOUT A CASE! YOU WILL SHOCK YOURSELF! IT IS EXTREMELY PAINFUL AND YOU COULD POSSIBLY DIE!

7. try it out on something nonliving, like a screwdriver or a concrete sidewalk. if you feel like getting a lawsuit or getting the living shit kicked out of you, try it on something living!
8. Have fun!

Let's Get This Show On The Road!

2008-04-05T10:00:00.001-07:00

So, you're here. you are reading my blog. wanna know what it's about? absolutely nothing. That's right, nothing. That is, depending on your point of view. my blog can be cool to some people, or it can suck balls. This blog is dedicated to my life, interests, and friends. And possibly enemies. So, guys, let's get started. read about me in my next post.

First Post

2008-04-05T09:45:00.000-07:00

hey, fags! this is Facemelter Deluxe 3000!